19 June 2006
two nights ago i had a dream: i was holding cosmo over the toilet, or near a toilet, and i accidentally dropped him, or he slipped or squirmmed out of my arms, and fell into the toilet. though it all happened in a split second, i remember how it felt in the dream. i knew exactly what to do without thinking about it, and i did not pause --i began to act quickly. i reached into the toilet to pull him out. he was considerably smaller than he is in waking life, and part of his body had gone down into the opening at the bottom of the bowl. i had to turn his head a little to get him out, but i did manage to pull him out fast, and then i instictively held him upside down, and patted his back. he was coughing and sputtering, so i knew he was alright. i knew he was getting air. i put him on his back and started pushing on his tummy, like i had seen in a flinstone's episode as a kid. in the cartoon, the water came out of barney's mouth like a fountain. not so much in my dream, but some water did come out. i don't recall the rest of the dream, but cosmo was fine.
i know, it sounds like a really awful dream. i have had many like this one. near misses. dreams where something terrible almost happens. sometimes it involves water, sometimes it involves me leaving him somewhere, and then realizing that i am not sure if i have left him in anyone's care or not, and i am frantically trying to get back to him. in the end, he is always okay. this particular dream was different in that i felt completely confident through the whole ordeal that i could save him. i think these dreams represent (if indeed, dreams represent anything) the doubts and fears i have about parenting, and my anxiety about leaving him with others, and this specific dream is also an affirmation of the overall confidence i feel as a mother.
another toilet issue i wanted to mention is that cosmo has become quite accustomed to using his little potty chair. when we are home together, i give him the chance to use it as soon as he wakes up, either in the morning, or from naps. he almost always pees right away. i have also become quite skilled at noticing when he is about to poo, and when i bring him to the bathroom for that, he just goes! it is so cool. i haven't had to change a poopy diaper in quite a while now. hats off to miah raj and lila for the EC inspiration!
check out their green parenting blog
13 June 2006
cosmo is in day care. it is his second day. i did ok yesterday, today i am a wreck. i feel so far away. it's too long, too many hours too many days. he begins to feel distant, like a memory, like this wonderful little guy i know, but where is he? i will see him this evening.
no. this is absurd. to drop him off at 7am. to pick him up at 5pm.
how is this a family? i am his mother and he should be with me.
furthermore, i cannot even afford to pay for this. i had to borrow the money until i find a job that pays enough to cover day care (thankfully, someone was kind enough to lend me money). naturally, once i wrapped my mind around the fact that this had to happen, i wanted to find the best possible place for him to spend his days. i knew that i could survive this if i liked the people and the environment, and i knew he would be learning and growing in my absence. i researched all of the montessori schools in my area, only one had an opening, so that's where we went. the philosophy is right-on, the caregivers seem sweet, and the interaction with the other babies should be fun for him. i think it is a good place. the monthly fee is more than i pay for rent each month. it is like renting two apartments, a one bedroom and a two bedroom, and just living in the one bedroom. but it's not like renting two apartments. it's like sending your child off to be raised by strangers because you cannot come up with a better solution, or you don't have the means, or you didn't plan ahead, or this society/culture/government/nation does not support a mother needing to care for her baby.
"I believe that government has a responsibility to help strengthen
Washington's reaction came quickly last night, shortly after the 379-to-35 House passage of the Decency Enforcement Act. Within an hour of the vote, President Bush issued a statement saying he was ready to sign the bill into law: "I believe that government has a responsibility to help strengthen families," Bush said, adding that the bill, which boosts indecency fines 10-fold, "will make television and radio more family friendly."
--from Decency Act Vote Gets Quick D.C. Reaction
Brooks Boliek, The Hollywood Reporter, and Tony Sanders
i personally can't think of a better fucking way to strengthen the holy goddamn sacred family than fining dinky little low-watt college radio stations $325,000 for each "fuck" "cocksucker" or "muthafukkin'shit-eater" that appears in a goddamn fucking hip-hop rhyme.
thank you mr.president man. i love you. thank you for making this world a better place for our children. thank you for putting the family first. no child left behind. that's right. thank you.