17 February 2008

what i don't say

i've been thinking about the way i write on this blog, what i write about, and, more specifically, what i don't write about. i don't mention the fact that both of us will be unemployed come june, and that we don't have a solid plan. i don't write about how complicated it is to deal with cosmo's biological father, and how conflicted i feel every time cosmo and i leave carl to go visit him and his family. i rarely write about my political convictions, how disturbed i am (on a daily basis) by the war in iraq, and the many crimes of the bush administration. i haven't mentioned who i plan to vote for in our primary in may. the blog is focussed on cosmo, and on being a mom, but i don't share my thoughts on the really heavy parts of motherhood, either.

in general, i hesitate to get too personal. i guess i am still getting used to the public nature of blogging. i actually don't mind much what strangers reading this might think of me, but i do care about what my friends think, and i have a hard time being open and vulnerable, in the same way, with anyone who knows me, who might be reading this blog. i don't know if i want everyone to know how insecure i feel about the thought of pursuing a career (finally) in architecture, and what a struggle it is for me to begin to put together a portfolio of my work. it is hard to admit that i still haven't lost the extra "baby weight," and how jealous i am of my friends who have. i don't like to expose how judgmental i can be about others (especially other parents) or my issues with comparative self-esteem.



i've kept a journal since i was 13 years old. for 27 years, writing has kept me sane, and helped me work through many difficult emotions and circumstances. but journal writing is private. and i still haven't worked out what it means to share my journal with the world. in fact, i can't do that. i still keep a journal, but it rarely makes it to the blog.

what's funny is that i find that the blogs i enjoy reading the most are the ones that dare to get personal. i want to hear the rants and complaints and self-effacing humor. it can make for really interesting reading. of course, it can also be tedious and self-indulgent. maybe that is what i fear?

i'd love to hear from others on this topic (whether you blog or not).

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kayte, I've been keeping up with your blog and I just want to say that I think that people's weaknesses/insecurities or "cracks" are what make them beautiful...Wabi-Sabi...
I'm thinking to start a Maxwell blog instead of doing a baby book...Emily...I dont need to be anonymous- I just didnt know which "identity" to pick for writing a comment :)

bethany said...

i battle with the same issues, top to bottom the same. and for the record.. i think your blog is interesting! funny thing is i cant even put my finger on why.. i just think youre a really good writer, able to spell out the mysteries of modern motherhood better than me./ i had to come to terms with my own blog... that this is really for the family and friends who want to keep up with our lives, but its a "sanitized" version of our real lives. i sometimes want to share the better stuff, the more nitty gritty tidbits that make for better reading (i too wish i could say more, but _gasp- what would my parents think?? - i know they both read my blog religiously to keep up with the kids, or my great aunt doris?) i have even toyed w the idee of making a second blog under a pseudonym.

Valerie said...

You've have articulated exactly how I feel about my own journal and the internal battle I have about what I do and don't write about.

kate said...

This is something I've struggled with since I first started blogging. One of the good things about getting older is feeling much less concerned about the reactions of people I know to what I write - well, except for my parents in their 80s, who read my blog occasionally. When I first started blogging, I didn't intend for my blog to be focussed as much on gardening. In the early months, I wrote about different issues in my life. A few times friends would ask me how I could share some of the things I did with the world. At the same time, they often would say that they liked getting to know me better. I discovered that it sometimes helped to talk about things that were on my mind and to realise that I'm not the only person who might be experiencing a particular feeling or reaction. I think it would have been a wonderful thing to have blogged when my son was younger and to have shared my feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty.

It's bedtime or else I could write much more on this ...